October 18, 2019

morning meditation

This morning I meditate
I take all the rocks off the window sill and put them in front of me
I greet the waving leaves on the trees and note the colors are more vibrant than yesterday
I think the sky has grown or I’ve shifted my seat because it looks bigger
I watch the clouds drift slowly by
And I feel the inside parts of my body moving with them
I check my pulse where my heart tattoo is to see if it is beating in harmony
It is not
I picture the blood flowing swiftly to and from it 
I wonder if I hold my finger there if I will be able to slow it down
I don’t
I go back to prayer pose
I seek the presence of the Lord but my thoughts go back and forth and there is a song in my head that keeps getting in the way
I seek forgiveness and peace and mostly Love and I think all these things while I pick up a rock from the pile
It is round and rough and I embrace the rock into my clasped hands
I don’t know what the rock stands for except that then all of a sudden I do
It is fear
It is the perfect rock for fear because it is flat enough and round enough and rough enough to feel good and fit perfectly in my hands
I think that I will let it go as soon as I hear the last gong
But I’m not ready and I squeeze it tighter
I picture it squeezing itself into my chest and becoming part of my body 
It represents the dark unknowns that keep me up at night 
It represents my longing my doubt my anger my hurt 
it is the foundation of all my frustration
it is at the core of all the dark thoughts in my head that I don’t want anymore
I let the rock go and place it on the empty windowsill 
I feel relieved 
but immediately I feel the absence of the rock
So I say a prayer that the empty space will get filled with Love 
and as I’m repeating the word over and over I hear the last gong

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